What I Didn't Say
by unleashedd
Summary: "I used to have hopes, dreams, reasons to live. But those hopes have faded, dreams have been shattered, and reasons disappeared." When one deadly house fire results in Austin's life to flip upside down, he becomes depressed in ways he never imagined. He will never be able to speak again. Somehow as he journeys through his new life, he finds love, and new hope. (All in Austin's POV)
1. Chapter 1

I lay in my bed staring out the window. The comforter lies over top of me, keeping me warm. It is October and the middle of autumn. I watch as some red and orange leaves slowly fall through the air down to the ground. The mountains in the distance are have a layer of red, yellow and orange trees decorating them making for a picture perfect scene with the rising sun against it. I sigh at the beauty of nature.

I roll into my back and look up at the ceiling of my room. I close my eyes and the darkness fades away with a new image taking over; I see flames, and chaos. The flames grow higher and higher. I see my mother yelling at me to get out of the house. Then I hear someone shouting from the second floor. I look up and begin sprinting towards the sound. Race into the room and see Abby, my little sister sitting on the corner crying her eyes out. I bend down and pick her up.

"Abby, it's me Austin. I'm here to help you. You need to get out now! Everything is going to be okay" I run down the stairs with Abby in my arms. I set her down on the wooden floor and she runs out. The house appears to look as if it is on the verge of collapsing. But then I hear faint barking in the back ground. My dog; Duke. I start to climb the stairs for the second time, but this time a flaming beam from above falls down and rip the stairs in half. I begin to cough from the smoke as it consumes the area around me. I quickly turn my head to find a way out. But a loud bang invades my thoughts, the beam which fell, continues to fall down the stairs, taking me with it. Time slows down as I watch it barrel toward me and take me with it. I fall down the stairs and the beam hits me in the throat. This is when I lose consciousness.

I open my eyes again. The memory is so vivid in my mind; it seems that it just happened yesterday. It seems that it was only yesterday when I was walking around as a normal teenager. But it wasn't, it was almost a year ago. Eleven months and fifteen days to be exact. Eleven months and fifteen days since I last spoke out loud. Eleven months and fifteen days since anyone has heard my voice. The voice it took for granted for almost 17 years of my life. The voice I will never hear again.

I sit up on my bed. The sun shines through my window and onto my face. The heat feels comforting. It gives me hope that I will get through another day. My mother tells me that I need to embrace the day, but that seems awfully challenging to do when you have no voice. She also tells me I am lucky; lucky that I can still hear, see, smell. It is just hard to stay positive when I am in this situation.

"Breakfast time!" my mother shouts from down the stairs. I begin this journey I call I day now. The thing about not being able to talk is that it leaves more time to your thoughts. More time to counteract yourself when you want to try something new. For instance, a friend from my past called 4 months ago. It had been 4 years since I last saw her. She frequently sent pictures to me. But I couldn't talk to her, I can't talk to anyone. I wallowed around for 2 months in sorrow. I fact that I would never be able to have an actual conversation with someone actual dawned on me. I would never be able to respond to a simple conversation normally ever again.

My parents say that I was depressed. It's true, I was actually depressed. Not just sad. I was depressed for months. It wasn't until my parents brought me to see a specialist that I finally lived again. They taught me that I didn't need to talk to be able to communicate. They told me I wasn't disabled, I was plenty able; I just had to do things my own way. I guess from my parent's point of view, it looks like I have adapted to my new lifestyle. But honestly, I still feel the same way I did months ago. Have you ever felt that feeling? Deep inside of you. You feel a deep pain, some call it heart throb, or the feeling you get when you miss something intensely from your past that you would do anything to reclaim. For me, it is a gnawing ache that never disappears. I am not quite sure what causes it, but it keeps me up for hours during the night and consumes my thoughts during the day too.

I eat breakfast in silence, as usual. Usually I enjoy listening to music when I can, but not today. I don't feel like listening to the joyful music. Sometimes is it comforting, but today, it is a sick reminder of the fact that I will never be able to sing ever again. I used to dream of becoming a singer, but that dream has long since disappeared.

The morning is full of triggers; triggers that remind me of what was once a perfect life. A life I took for granted. I guess it probably has something to do with the fact that today is an important day too; today is the day I was supposed to receive an award for Most Dedicated. Apparently, I was most dedicated to my dream; becoming a singer. I was nominated a year ago, and was finally chosen 3 months ago. Today is the day I receive my award. There it is. I don't want to accept that this is probably why I am most upset today, but it is.

Three hours later, there I was. I assume most people forgot about me, why shouldn't they? I don't talk to any of them anymore; none of my classmates approach me to start a conversation. None of them show the initiative. But then again, neither do I.

Before I accept my award I sit next to my best friend; Dez. A year ago, we would do all kind of crazy things; now, he does most of the talking, we don't do as many crazy things anymore. He is patient, and he is waiting for me to break out of my shell again. That's why we are best friends. He won't turn his back on me, even when everyone else in the world does, he says there right by my side.

What is success? Does success mean achieving your dream, or becoming famous? Maybe success means getting past small barriers in life such as a math test. Or maybe it is just getting through one more day. Maybe success is not breaking down and quitting. Maybe success is winning an award. But not for me. I think this might be embarrassing. What was once will never be again. I can't give a speech either. I guess I'll just walk up accept the award, telepathically thank everyone, and leave. That seems appropriate.


	2. Chapter 2

"Every year we honor a special young man and woman with the Most Dedicated Award. Over the course of a year 8 students are nominated and that number is eventually brought down to the last two", the principal announces. She sounds a little bit too happy right now.

"These two students have been chosen to receive this award because not only are the hard working young citizens but they put all of their energy into achieving their dream". She pauses for a few seconds, probably for dramatic effect, but I am growing impatient.

I actually didn't know there were going to be two people chosen.

"First, this young man has walked through hell trying to achieve his dream. But he hasn't let that destroy his happiness." A pocket pull of lies is what that is. Whatever. "Please, but your hands together for your first award winner, Austin Moon!" People start cheering and clapping. It takes me off guard, and stuns me for a second. A smack on the back from Dez brings me back to reality and then I stand up. I walk up to the front. The principal embraces me into a hug. I see another bright light with the click of a camera taking a picture. The light turns into a memory.

_I look up and see a light, the light fades away and a new scene unfolds before my eyes. A kitchen, a bright white kitchen, lit up by the sun outside. People are smiling, and laughing. They are full of carefree emotions. My mother turns around from facing the stove and has a smile on her face. She turns to my father; their love is evident in her smile._

_"And then when Austin was 3, he tried to put the cat in the oven, to see if he could make Cat Pot Pie. He said that if he liked Chicken Pot Pie, he must love Cat Pot Pie because he loved the cat even more. All Thanks to John here, he saved the cat, and gave Austin the idea." She laughs. Another laugh erupts across the room. I turn my head to see my Aunt laughing._

_She finally notices me and so does everyone else. I just caught the tail end of the conversation._

_"Hey! In my defense, the cat jumped into the oven, I did not shove it in there." They all laugh._

_The scene disappears and is replaced by a new one. The family gathered around the dining room table the same night. Everyone is laughing and smiling. We share jokes._

_The is a loud beep which comes from the kitchen._

_"Austin sweetie, can you go check the pie in the oven?"_

_"Yah sure, I'll be right back."_

_"Thanks."_

_I get up and walked to the kitchen. I grab the oven mitts and open the oven door. The aroma of fresh apple pie spreads throughout the room. I take a deep breath in absorbing the smell. The kitchen is darker now; it is about 8 o'clock at night, so it is not lit up by the sun. I turn off the oven and set the pie on the window sill, as normal. I open the window slightly to help cool the pie down. A small candle sits beside the pie exposing the masterpiece. I smile and walk away._

_A new scene unveils. We all finish supper, and laugh around the table. Unexpectedly a loud siren floods our ears. The fire alarm. Panic is delivered onto all of our faces. My father runs up to the kitchen and I follow. The entire kitchen is engulfed in flames. My mother screams from behind us, and grabs the phone. She dials the fire department and the rest of the family runs outside. I stay inside to look for anyone else. The last thing I see is the beam falling. A bright light consumes my vision again._

_"Austin! Austin!" someone shouts. I hear them, but I don't see them. I smell smoke, I hear voices. My eyes open in a matter of seconds and I take a deep gasp in. My lungs fill with fresh air. I take in the chaotic scene before my eyes. Paramedics are running everywhere._

_"Oh, Austin!" the person says, my mother." He is awake. She holds my hand tightly. "Honey, everything is going to be okay, alright. I promise." I look up at her. She has tears in her eyes. My hand reaches up to touch my neck. I can feel bandages. My head is pounding._

_"Honey, don't touch, it will only take longer to heal."_

_I open my mouth to ask what happened, but nothing comes out. My mom looks at me with a confused look. "What's wrong?"_

_'I can't talk!' I want to scream. But nothing comes out. Horror replaces her tears._

_"Oh my god! You can't talk! Honey, it's okay, don't strain yourself. Everything is going to be okay." I am not sure if she is talking to herself or me. A tear falls down my cheek. She looks at me like she has just lost me._

I am back in the gymnasium, a tear falling down my cheek. I am sitting down though. I am on a chair at the front of the school. One of the teachers it sitting next to me and facing me. They are asking me a question.

'What?' I try to ask. But it doesn't work. I feel so frustrated.

"Are you okay?" she asks again.

I nod because I feel like it is the only thing I can do. I wipe away the stray tear with the heel of my hand.

"Ally Dawson!" the principal exclaims. I missed the first part of her speech. The students erupt in applause again. A girl stands up in the middle of the gym; she smiles and walks up to the front. The principal hugs her too. The principal backs away and Ally steps up to the microphone. She looks really nervous to be public speaking, but she keeps her ground.

"This past year has been a whirl wind, and know that I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the support I have received from the school, my family and my best friend." She smiles. "My best friend never gave up on me, even when everyone else did. And I owe her everything. Thanks Trish." She steps back from the microphone and takes a deep breath. She smiles and walks away from the microphone. Her smile brings a smile to my face. She takes a seat next to me, and turns to face me.

"Congratulations", she tells me. I flash her a thank you smile.

"I know how tough all this must be for you. You know a constant reminder of what has already past. But you should be so proud of yourself for making it this far."

I recognize her now. Ally Dawson the girl who writes music. One of her songs was bought by Starr Records. She is the girl in the hallway who everyone knows and likes, but no one really talks too. She does have friends, but likes to keep her circle small and personal.

She extends her hand. "I'm Ally."

I smile and accept her hand.

"And I know you are", she smiles, "You're Austin Moon! The guy who stole my seat in English." What? That's how she knows me. Not the guy who lost his voice, whose dreams were crushed, life ruined, but the guy who took her seat in English.

"But don't worry, I will forgive you! On one condition…" I smile, and lean forward putting leaning my head on my hands. I raise my eye brows to ask 'what's that?' It may be mistaken for flirting, but I have no other way of communicating. Not that I really mind that she might think I was flirting. She is beautiful.

"You…" she pauses for a short moment to think, "I'll tell you what, you play me one of your songs on the guitar, and we will call it even." How does she know I play the guitar, oh… that's right, everyone in the gym does. I just won an award for it.

I stick my hand again to confirm our deal. I am hesitant at first she took me off guard. I pretty much gave up playing music because it was a reminder of what was past, but now I don't want to disappoint her. So I agree.

She shakes my hand, sealing the deal. I smile, and she smiles back. Her smile almost makes my heart stop completely, it feels so familiar, and welcoming.

"How is tomorrow after school?" she asks the question before I even think to ask. I was wondering though. I nod smiling.

"Great." She smiles again, I love her smile.

"Hey and don't let this award be a constant reminder of what you've lost. You deserve so much more than that. Consider it a reward for all that you accomplished. Maybe someday you can be in that spot light again. Even if it isn't the same way-" she is interrupted by a girl screaming her name. We both turn our heads to the girl. I now see that everyone in the gym is starting to leave. The assembly must be over.

"Hey Trish!"

"Ally, I loved your speech! I did everything I could to hold myself from running up there and attacking you into a hug. You really deserve this award."

"Aww, thanks Trish." Oh so this is the Trish she was talking about. She seems really loud and forward. I mean Ally is forward too, but nearly as forward as Trish.

"Trish this is Austin, the guy who stole my seat in English." I smile, there is that remark again, is that really the only way she thinks of me?

"Oh you're the guy who lost his voice to the house fire." I wince, there it is.

"Trish!" Ally hisses quietly.

"Sorry", she says, "Congratulations by the way."

"Hey buddy." I turn my head and see Dez. He has the widest grin on his face. "You were great up there man! Congratulations, you sure deserved it." I give him a smile to say thank you.

"Hey I was thinking… do you want to go get pancakes to celebrate? My treat." I nod enthusiastically. Pancakes were definitely celebratory food. I turn to Ally wanting to ask Ally if she wants to come, but I don't know how.

I turn back to Dez. He is looking at his phone. I take out mine and text him to tell him to ask Ally.

_Hey Dez! Ask Ally if she wants to come get Pancakes with us! - Austin_

He gets the text, reads it, and looks at me. I shrug and smile. He turns to Ally who is having a conversation with Trish.

"Hey Ally!" she looks up to him, and smiles. Ahh that smile. It's refreshing. "Austin and I are going to get pancakes to celebrate, do you want to come?" Her smile grows.

"Sure, can Trish come?"

"Yeah sure why not, the more the merrier. Hey Trish, have you seen a Duck anywhere around here."

We all turn to look at him and give him a weird look. Trish looks like she is about to smack him.

"No, no I haven't."

"Well, keep looking!" He tells her.

"I was never looking." He looks like he is one the verge of tears.

Ally stands up. "Come on, let's go get pancakes. She leads Trish out. She practically takes the words right out of my mouth. It is something to get Dez's mind off the Duck. He is so random. But it keeps me entertained. We all stand up and walk out of the school together. The only thing on my mind is Ally, for once, it isn't my voice and how my life is ruined forever. She managed to make my situation work and I feel like I have had my first official conversation ever. She is different. 'You are definitely one of a kind Ally Dawson', I say to myself. 'One of a kind.' Those words replay in my mind over and over.


	3. Chapter 3

We take two separate vehicles. Dez drives one, and I have shot gun. Ally and Trish in the other.

"Trish is a piece of work, isn't she?" Dez asks.

I nod and smile agreeing.

My old favorite song comes on the radio. I am transported to a scene with Dez a year ago.

* * *

_We are laughing and singing to the song. Tree's fly by on both sides of the road. The energy is loud, and so are we. "Come on get loud, loud let it out/ Shout it out from the rooftops/ Come on get loud 'til they shut us down/ Come on get loud, loud let it out"._

_I lean forward and turn the music down a little bit so I can talk to Dez._

_"Hey when we get to the house, do you want to film a new video."_

_"Yah sure, what about? I'm in the mood for a kangaroo dressed in bear costume video. What do you think?" I laugh. As much as that would be entertaining, it would not be realistic._

_"Dez, where would we even get a bear costume."_

_"Oh don't worry about that, my grandma has one." I look at him weirdly, but he doesn't seem to notice. "Did you see Cassidy was checking you out earlier, she totally likes you."_

_"Cassidy?" I ask surprised. "You think?" I've liked her for a while now._

_"Yeah! She is in to you!"_

_Cassidy and I started dating two weeks later. I asked her out. I thought our relationship was going strong, but apparently I got all the signs wrong; the breakup signs. I mistook them for the opposite. Three days after the accident Cassidy showed up on my door step._

_"Austin", she said, "I have to tell you something, and it isn't going to be easy for me to say." We stood outside my hotel room, because since the house burned down this was where we were staying until we built a new house. Immediately I knew what was going to come out of her mouth next._

_"I can't do this anymore Austin. It's not me, it's you. We are done", she tried to keep a straight face, but a smile crept up. I stood there shocked while she walked away. It hurt a lot. Mostly because she thought she couldn't deal with someone with a physical disability. My parents were horrified by her actions, and claimed they never liked her at all. But what made it worse was thinking no one would ever care about me again because of my state. But also because I really cared about Cassidy._

_The next day, no matter how much I told him not to, Dez walked up to Cassidy's house and told her off. He screamed at her. I begged him not to through texting because I thought it would be embarrassing, but he was convinced. He was pissed that she had the guts to do that to a person. Soon the entire neighbourhood and school knew, and it ruined her reputation. People would see her at school and give her dirty looks. Many people now hated her. It was almost satisfying, ALMOST. The aching pain continued, I assumed it was knowing I could never reason with her myself, or stand up for myself. People would always have to do it for me._

* * *

I lean back in my seat in Dez's vehicle. It brings back so many memories. He notices I am silent.

"You and Ally seemed to hit it off, don't you think?" He says barely taking his eyes off the road. I stay silent, because there isn't really anything I can do. This reminds me too much of the conversation I had a year ago with him. I don't want to be disappointed.

"You know, you haven't really opened up to anyone in a year. I think it's time for some change. Don't you think!" he gasps. "I should play match maker!"

I want to scream, 'Dez please NO!' but I can't. I furiously shake my head no. He notices and laughs. "Okay buddy, I'll wait until you are emotionally ready for this. But just say the word and I'll-, I mean just give me the signal and I'll jump right in." I sink down further in my seat, not a good pun. I wish I could say the word.

If I could have one wish, in a blink of an eye, it would be to get my voice back. Not to get Cassidy back, I am over her. Beyond over her. I was over her the minute she broke up with me, because I saw how low she was. I don't think I will ever be over the fact that I could never let another person into my heart. That is something I never want to do.

We pull into the parking of the Pancake House.

I get out of the vehicle and see Ally and Trish drive into the parking lot. Trish is driving, but looking back and forth at Ally, she looks like she is trying to convince Ally of something. Ally shakes her head feverishly, and immediately looks like she is worn out. But she sees me looking at her and a smile grows on her face.

Dez walks around the car and smacks me on the back catching me off guard. It really shouldn't anymore, he does it almost every day. He walks into the Pancake House to get a table.

Ally gets out of the car and walks up to me before Trish even thinks to open her door. She eyes the restaurant. "I've never eaten here? Is it good?"

I nod and a goofy smile arises on my face. I love pancakes. "You like pancakes?" she asks. I nod again and she laughs. Her laugh almost makes me freeze front and center. If it wasn't for her pulling my arm into the restaurant, I would still be standing in the middle of the parking lot. Her laugh is enchanting.

She pulls me right into our booth, which Dez has already retrieved. She pulls me so we sit on the same side of the booth. She is still holding my arm when I finally get comfortable. I look down at her hand touching my arm. She sees me look and immediately removes her grasp and smiles at me.

Trish comes in and sits next to Dez who is sitting across from me. A waitress comes with our menu's. I order the 'all you can eat Pancake Breakfast' from the menu. Technically, I text Dez who orders for me. Then I remember that I will never be able to make a simple order again. Ally quickly notices my change in mood. She places on of her hands lightly on my thigh sending electric pulses through my body. Ally orders the same thing as me. It shocks me that someone so small could eat that much.

"What? You think I'm too much of a girl to handle all that food?" she asks as if reading my thoughts. I laugh silently, and shake my head.

She laughs too. "I love pancakes. They are one of my favorite foods", she says. I look at her in the eyes, they are my favorite food too.

After the food arrives and we all finish our meals, we are all laughing hysterically. I had no idea I could have this much fun again. It makes me wonder what is different today than yesterday, or the day before.

"Hey so tomorrow, we are still going to meet after school, so I can hear you play a song right?" Ally asks me. I smile nervously. I am worried; I haven't shared the musical part of my life with anyone since the accident. I used to play many different instruments; the guitar, piano, bass, drums, and violin. Ally told me to embrace the past, and present. So does that mean to hold on to what I have and don't let my condition stop me from doing the things I want to do? I want to sing! How am I supposed to anything related to that if I can't ever talk?

But I nod anyways, again not wanting to disappoint her. She asks to see my cell phone, so I give it to her.

She quickly types in something and hands it back. She smiles. I accept the phone and look to see what she did.

"I put my number in, I hope that's okay", she says with a small blush lighting up her cheeks. I wanted to ask her, but I couldn't, so I am glad she offered. I ask with my eyes if I can take her picture. She nods and smiles. Ally poses and I take her picture. I chuckle.

Everyone leaves and goes their separate ways. Dez drops me off at home and I walk in to the house. My parents are sitting around the kitchen table. My mom is reading a book and my dad is reading a newspaper. They look up at me when they hear the door close. I set down my backpack from school on a chair next to them and then put the takeout container from the Pancake House in the refrigerator.

"How was supper?" my mom asks.

I smile and give her a small thumbs up. She smiles.

"Honey, you seem really happy. How was school today?"

I roll my eyes. She turns to dad. "Mike, he looks happier than normal doesn't he. It must be a girl." She turns to me again. "Who is she?" I roll my eyes again, and walk away.

"Is it a crime that he is happy, Mimi, we were always hoping this day would come again", I hear my dad say as I walk up the stair to my room.

For the first time in almost a year I notice my instruments sitting in the corner of my room. A layer of dust has built up on them. I realize I should probably prepare a song to play for Ally tomorrow so that it isn't totally embarrassing. Even if it has been almost a year since I've played any of the instruments, I guess now is as good of time as any to start again, and I guess Ally is a pretty good reason too.

I pick up my guitar in my hands and sit down on my bed. It feels so familiar, as if I just played yesterday. I strum a cord quietly to get the feel back and then play a few bars of notes.

* * *

_"Austin! Stop!" screams my mother who is running after me into my room. I pick my guitar up to shatter it on the ground. But her hand grabs a hold of my arm and stops me. "Austin you are being ridiculous. Just because you lost your voice does not mean you have to give up your dream. You can still play in a band! You could play the guitar, or bass. Or Drums."_

_I lost it after I was asked to play at the school concert 3 weeks ago before the accident and had to resign today. I ran home and decided to get rid of all my instruments because I knew I couldn't handle the constant reminder of my shattered dream. My parents saw me upset and running to my room and knew something was up. _

_'No!' I want to scream back, 'nothing will ever be the same again! My life is falling apart! My girlfriend broke up with me, my dreams are shattered and put that all together and it all falls back to one thing. My voice, I will never be able to talk again.' I am sure that tears are flowing down my face. My mother is silent now, she walks up to me and puts her hands around mine and sits down with me on my bed. _

_"Austin, listen to me." I don't really have a choice. "Not everything in the world is meant to be against you, sometimes things are going to work out, and other times they aren't You are going to have mountains to climb, and some of them will be rockier and steeper than others, but you will make it around them. Even if it takes years. But you will, because you are Austin Moon and you are my son and that is who I raised you to be. Don't give up now, you are way to talented. Someday you will get back up on stage. Even if that stage is only breaking out of your shell, because people love you and we don't want to see you break down." _

_My mom stood up and left me to my thoughts after quietly shutting the door. I fell back onto my bed. That day I started packing away all my instruments into boxes so I wouldn't have to stare at them every day. But it was too much to handle, I couldn't finish._

* * *

Many of my instruments are still on those boxes right now. I stood up from my bed and walked over to all of them piled in the corner of my room. I say down on the floor and began going through them as memories started rushing into my mind.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or anything else you may recognize in the story.**

**I do not own the song. Song: Loud by R5**

**Review, review, review! I like feedback. **

**What do you hope for our Austin here?**

**Does Ally have a secret of her own? What is it?**

**What is Cassidy up to right now? That crazy girl. **

**Thanks for reading!**


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